A first trimester update

I have been so quiet on here, on social media, and to be honest in real life too. Going back to work full time and navigating Arthur’s toddlerdom has been super hectic and juggling it all has not been easy. When you throw in this latest news and the crippling exhaustion and nausea that goes with it, will then you can imagine I have managed very little. Ally and I are cautiously optimistic to be having another baby in January next year and  If you have been on these pages for a while you will know our history with infertility, IVF and miscarriage makes pregnancy a hard journey. It is difficult to trust the process and it can be hard for others around you to understand your approach to it, so we have been keeping our heads down and trying to survive as best we can as we waited for some reassurance that things were as they should be.

We were shocked enough to even be in this situation again. We were never sure if we would be lucky enough to get to try again or if we were going to go back into the IVF world, so to even be at this stage is a huge moment for us that we are still getting our heads around. I think I have always been a bit wary of being pregnant again, not just because of all the general fear about miscarriage and everything that comes with that, but because I have always had this lingering feeling  of how you survive caring for one (or  more) children while being pregnant.  It has always struck me that no one really pays much attention to mothers not on their first pregnancy, like somehow the 'specialness' of the moment is not quite as magic this time around,  and they just get on and struggle through with an even bigger workload than before. Not true in all situations of course but just a general impression I have gotten from watching it happen across the years and I was a little hesitant as I entered into it myself. There is a lot to get my head around going back into this, how it feels to go back off work when I just settled back? How to do another maternity year when perhaps the first one wasn’t for me? What is going to happen to my body in the long run after another baby? How on earth do I manage two of them??

None of this takes away of course from how unbelievably lucky we feel currently to be back in this situation but these are real questions that come to my mind no matter how much we wanted to grow our family, and with the general approach of ‘ they know what they are doing now’ it does feel a little under discussed.

However,  as always those still wishing to have a child are the first in my thoughts as I post this. There are so many layers of infertility and how it stays with you through life. I know I am not alone to have been lucky enough to get to have a child but had their thoughts very quickly went to ‘if there could be another’. That  sounds selfish to those without a first, but you can’t help  but be trapped in that cycle and I guess just like everyone else, those of us who have struggled are still allowed to wish for what they want too

The first trimester has been a blur of extreme exhaustion and permanent intense nausea which has, as expected, been really difficult while trying to be present for Arthur.  Ally has been an unreal support, picking up even more of the slack than he usually does to keep us all afloat. I am  22 weeks  now and I am able to eat more than plain carbs ( by the truckload) but still feeling incredibly tired and incapable of getting much done which is hard when there is still a lot to juggle. Fingers crossed I see that promised second trimester burst of energy sometime soon…..!!

So that has been life lately and once again the blog has taken its usual back seat as life goes on around it. I will be back with updates but mostly over on Instagram again as I attempt to keep up with Arthurs admirable yet insane energy. Welcoming all good thoughts and encouragement that this one is here to join us in January, now to train Arthur to not throw EVERYTHING small and within reach…

BumpH2T: The Third Trimester

I still can't quite believe I am even writing about a third trimester, there were so many days I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so it still feels surreal.My second trimester update seems so long ago, I actually had to go back and see what all happened then! The time between the 20 week scan and now has felt like an eternity but I guess at this point I have been actually pregnant for the majority of a year when I think about the months I was pregnant before. I am happy to report that from around week 25ish onwards alot of my PTSD symptoms started to subside thanks to a lot of talking, posting here and just being incredible gentle with myself. It has been a pretty uphill struggle through the first two trimesters so it was nice to hit this one with a bit more excitement and enthusiasm for what is ahead. The bump finally crept in a bit more by Christmas time which definitely helped me connect more with what was going on, and since January it has grown full force and there is no ignoring it now!

excitedly cracking into the baby box that we are lucky to receive!

Even with my anterior placenta in the way I feel bubs kick and move a lot more now and without a doubt that has helped me quite a bit. We don't feel her/him as much as we might do but there is a fairly regular pattern that has emerged that I look forward to everyday.Ally is OBSESSED by going hunting for baby, it is pretty adorable. he gets so excited when he finds the right spot at the right time and gets big boot to his hand, not that he has to do much to get movement, the baby is obsessed by the sound of his voice!! We had one trip to the hospital very late at night thanks to a lack of movement which was pretty unnerving thanks to past experiences but all was well and hpefully will continue that way until the end.

it's a....doll.

Symptoms wise things have changed a lot in week 30 onwards, I  had to finally give in and stop walking to work around week 34 as 4 miles a morning was absolutely too much for my pelvis and resulted in some lovely SPD which I am battling through. I have a maternity belt that I wear in the daytime though which is hopefully doing something other than making me look even bulkier :)

My appetitie is back to being all over the place and the need for cakes and biscuits, and randomly, fizzy drinks- is pretty intense. I am definitely far more tired in the last couple of weeks ( week 37 as I type this) and I can tell the need to wind down a bit is kicking in and without a doubt I am now at the PEEING ALL THE DAMN TIME stage, which I had hoped was a myth.

We started our hospital antenatal classes which are a bit comical thanks to the ancient crumbling baby they have to use to demonstrate with, every time it is touched actual sawdust blows out its shoulder and I can feel Ally shaking beside me ( although as you can see above, he is pretty taken with that poor baby!)!! We have chosen to go out to the Midwife Unit in Paisley for the birth, if all goes well up until there. Moving my care from the hospital we lost the last baby in, has been such a good move for us and really helped me actually look forward to going in. The Team there are so phenomenal and their approach to birth is not something I thought I would find. we have been lucky to get on the free hypnobirthing course out there, and are offered accupuncture and aromatherapy too which is fun. The last few weeks feel pretty jam packed with classes and appointments to make as well as workshops at my midwife clinic for breastfeeding and labour physio- so much to take in! 

   A glimpse into the antenatal classes for you

  I feel like I haven't stopped since Christmas,between a trip to London and fitting in as many people as possible seeing as time might be a bit tighter for the next few months, it has been loads of fun. At the same time fitting in all the super tedious life admin and still building in breaks to sit down and re carb load has been pretty difficult so I am keen to try and make some time for me in the last wee while. I am finishing up at work this week which feels incredibly surreal and pretty sad. I am so glad to be going off to do what I am, but I cant help but have FOMO for the workplace and I guess I am a bit nervous about losing certain elements of myself even though it is only temporary!

There will no doubt be another update to this trimester as with 3 weeks to go ( or up to 5 of course!) I am pretty intrigued what all will continue to change. With the bump taking such a big growth spurt in the last 2 weeks I am fully prepared to need to be craned to hospital at the end....

After taking no shots of the bump I thought I better for this post!

I am trying to remain calm, excited and positive about the weeks ahead and what all might happen and so far it is going ok. I have my moments and we have both thought alot about this time last year and the kinds of dates we are coming towards which can be incredibly sad, but it is a reminder of how lucky we are to be in this stage now. If everyone could keep their fingers, toes and whatever else you have available crossed for us....that would be fab!

BumpH2T: The Third Trimester

I still can't quite believe I am even writing about a third trimester, there were so many days I was pretty sure this wasn't going to happen so it still feels surreal.My second trimester update seems so long ago, I actually had to go back and see what all happened then! The time between the 20 week scan and now has felt like an eternity but I guess at this point I have been actually pregnant for the majority of a year when I think about the months I was pregnant before. I am happy to report that from around week 25ish onwards alot of my PTSD symptoms started to subside thanks to a lot of talking, posting here and just being incredible gentle with myself. It has been a pretty uphill struggle through the first two trimesters so it was nice to hit this one with a bit more excitement and enthusiasm for what is ahead. The bump finally crept in a bit more by Christmas time which definitely helped me connect more with what was going on, and since January it has grown full force and there is no ignoring it now!

excitedly cracking into the baby box that we are lucky to receive!

Even with my anterior placenta in the way I feel bubs kick and move a lot more now and without a doubt that has helped me quite a bit. We don't feel her/him as much as we might do but there is a fairly regular pattern that has emerged that I look forward to everyday.Ally is OBSESSED by going hunting for baby, it is pretty adorable. he gets so excited when he finds the right spot at the right time and gets big boot to his hand, not that he has to do much to get movement, the baby is obsessed by the sound of his voice!! We had one trip to the hospital very late at night thanks to a lack of movement which was pretty unnerving thanks to past experiences but all was well and hpefully will continue that way until the end.

it's a....doll.

Symptoms wise things have changed a lot in week 30 onwards, I  had to finally give in and stop walking to work around week 34 as 4 miles a morning was absolutely too much for my pelvis and resulted in some lovely SPD which I am battling through. I have a maternity belt that I wear in the daytime though which is hopefully doing something other than making me look even bulkier :)

My appetitie is back to being all over the place and the need for cakes and biscuits, and randomly, fizzy drinks- is pretty intense. I am definitely far more tired in the last couple of weeks ( week 37 as I type this) and I can tell the need to wind down a bit is kicking in and without a doubt I am now at the PEEING ALL THE DAMN TIME stage, which I had hoped was a myth.

We started our hospital antenatal classes which are a bit comical thanks to the ancient crumbling baby they have to use to demonstrate with, every time it is touched actual sawdust blows out its shoulder and I can feel Ally shaking beside me ( although as you can see above, he is pretty taken with that poor baby!)!! We have chosen to go out to the Midwife Unit in Paisley for the birth, if all goes well up until there. Moving my care from the hospital we lost the last baby in, has been such a good move for us and really helped me actually look forward to going in. The Team there are so phenomenal and their approach to birth is not something I thought I would find. we have been lucky to get on the free hypnobirthing course out there, and are offered accupuncture and aromatherapy too which is fun. The last few weeks feel pretty jam packed with classes and appointments to make as well as workshops at my midwife clinic for breastfeeding and labour physio- so much to take in! 

   A glimpse into the antenatal classes for you

  I feel like I haven't stopped since Christmas,between a trip to London and fitting in as many people as possible seeing as time might be a bit tighter for the next few months, it has been loads of fun. At the same time fitting in all the super tedious life admin and still building in breaks to sit down and re carb load has been pretty difficult so I am keen to try and make some time for me in the last wee while. I am finishing up at work this week which feels incredibly surreal and pretty sad. I am so glad to be going off to do what I am, but I cant help but have FOMO for the workplace and I guess I am a bit nervous about losing certain elements of myself even though it is only temporary!

There will no doubt be another update to this trimester as with 3 weeks to go ( or up to 5 of course!) I am pretty intrigued what all will continue to change. With the bump taking such a big growth spurt in the last 2 weeks I am fully prepared to need to be craned to hospital at the end....

After taking no shots of the bump I thought I better for this post!

I am trying to remain calm, excited and positive about the weeks ahead and what all might happen and so far it is going ok. I have my moments and we have both thought alot about this time last year and the kinds of dates we are coming towards which can be incredibly sad, but it is a reminder of how lucky we are to be in this stage now. If everyone could keep their fingers, toes and whatever else you have available crossed for us....that would be fab!

BumpH2T: The Second Trimester

If you missed my first trimester summary then you can catch up HERE.

I had high hopes that I would hit the second trimester and a lot of my fears would subside a little but it just wasn't to be to begin with. The length of time between scans and my lack of a standard looking bump, twinned with my heavy nausea symptoms finally subsiding around the 15 week mark, means I was left in serious doubt things were as they should be. Now I know that is not limited to those who have lost babies before, I have heard plenty of people lamenting the strange time between a  12 week and 20 week scan so I knew I wasn't alone in finding it strange.

We plodded along though and tried where possible just to focus on filling our time with catching up with people and planning plenty of fun stuff. I have still been suffering in these weeks with exhuastion issues but it was not as permanent as it was for the first 4 months, so the idea of seeing people was so much fun. Before I posted our fertility story I felt a bit cut off from people as when asked 'what have you been up to?' due to all the hospital treatments and drugs, there was never much of an answer! Now though we both feel a lot more free, and it has been nice to catch up with people and it be known what we have been up to! 

Ally has continued to bond away with the baby even when I doubted they were still in there going strong. Watching him chat away to he or she, and refer to them while we spoke, has really helped me feel a bit more upbeat about what might be about to come which is a nice change and it is nice to see him so so excited.

One of us can finally drive!! a big second trimester development!

Symptoms wise I now swing wildly from being ravenously hungry to massively nauseous, and that sweet tooth has gone no where! My breasts have continued to grow with a worrying pace and my biggest issue is mega hip and back pain stopping me getting any sleep. All the big cushions and stretches don't seem to be doing much but I shall persevere ( and get myself to the physio as soon as they will take me!) I also have been feeling really breathless which is pretty much zero fun and just continues to get worse as baby gets bigger. Not a symptom I had given much thought to before considering how squished my insides are!!

We have been filling our time with getting some of our baby stuff sorted and as long term readers will know, I love to second hand what I can and this has been no exception. From bargain bugaboos (regardless of having no real interest in them originally as a brand, but they are so common to pick up preloved!) to some furniture to house some of their second hand clothes- we are enjoying hunting down what we might need. It might be too early for some, and for people as cautious as we are you would expect us to not want to, but actually it has helped pass the worry time quite well!I do love a challenge :)

When the 20 week scan came around it was a huge relief. I was, as expected a wreck but survived the ordeal and Ally had a ball trying to keep up with what body parts the sonographer was checking out in detail. Happily everything was looking as it should and I walked out the scan finally thinking we were actually going to get to keep this one, which was pretty fun. Keeping Ally from exploding with excitement took some work, I am pretty sure that is him for the duration now!We did find out I have an anterior placenta which is where it sits on the front wall of the uterus. I had already expected that was the case in me due to not feeling anything but both scans confirming just how much this baby was jumping around. So I at least knew not feeling much was to be expected, but as the weeks have gone I can definitely feel a lot more going on when I lie in certain positions. Ally loves to try and catch a little shove so hopefully before long he wont have to work so hard to find it!

In the spirit for putting up the tree!

The later parts of the trimester have definitely seen me feel really different from the earlier weeks and with people knowing now and a more obvious bump, it definitely has made me feel actually pregnant! I am taking advantage of having more energy while it lasts, and handily my shorter temper has gone....for now. Sleep is absolutely still an issue but just taking it easy when I need to, maybe I am just destined to never sleep again- ARGH. I cant quite believe that is me creeping into the third trimester, genuinely a place I never saw us getting to when in our fertility treatment so it feels really surreal. I had been keeping Christmas in my mind as a benchmark so it is strange it is almost here. No doubt after that passes it will all suddenly feel right around the corner which is crazy.

I appreciate all the messages and contact over these past few weeks from people, it has been so good to remain honest about everything we have been experiencing and the support of people has been really beautiful. Thank you so so much from us both!

BumpH2T: The Second Trimester

If you missed my first trimester summary then you can catch up HERE.

I had high hopes that I would hit the second trimester and a lot of my fears would subside a little but it just wasn't to be to begin with. The length of time between scans and my lack of a standard looking bump, twinned with my heavy nausea symptoms finally subsiding around the 15 week mark, means I was left in serious doubt things were as they should be. Now I know that is not limited to those who have lost babies before, I have heard plenty of people lamenting the strange time between a  12 week and 20 week scan so I knew I wasn't alone in finding it strange.

BumpH2T: Pregnancy Massage at the Chamomile Sanctuary Spa

One of the best things about any visit to the Chamomile Sanctuary Spa in Edinburgh, is seeing all the lovely staff. Justine the owner clearly takes so much time in selecting the right team and their knowledge and skills always speak volumes about the ethos of the spa. This was my first visit with Lola who was in charge of my first ever pregnancy massage, and she made it such a fantastic experience. Chamomile  is such a favourite of mine as the standard there is just so high both in terms of therapist but also just the all round atmosphere, it really is such a calming, beautiful and tranquil place to be. Sadly not all spas actually deliver on that all important relaxation!

I was in a fluffy robe and sipping herbal tea before I knew it, and Lola gave me the full run down on what a pregnancy massage can actually do for a mamma to be. Aches and pains and general discomfort certainly come with the territory as well as a pretty tired mind too. A massage like this is ideal for helping create some relaxation and help work towards ironing out some of those niggling pains too. Not everywhere can offer a decent pregnancy treatment as they do require a bit of a set up in order to be able to do the treatment safely. You shuffle yourself on to a bed as normal just with the addition on a big cushion with all the right spaces for you to get a bump and an ever-growing chest into. Lola then propped my legs up with additional cushions to allow for maximum comfort and blood flow and we settled into working on my creaky back and hips.

post massage glow!

Having slept so poorly for recent weeks getting into position was utter heaven, so as she started to work, I was already away in bliss. She explained to me what kinds of products should and shouldn't be used on pregnant women so I was going to be having rose and geranium from Aromatherapy Associates used on my skin to help with elasticity ( yes please) and providing a balancing scent which I also definitely needed. It felt so magical as it was worked methodically into my skin and it was literally a head to toe treatment, as no part of me was left out. Moving my limbs in just the way they clearly needed and working away a lot of the stresses I had been feeling, made this a beautiful treatment. Helping me move on to my front and further propping up the appropriate points to keep my comfortable, Lola was excellent at paying attention to what I needed and it makes such a difference. I didn't even realise how much I had needed a massage until I was in that moment and noticed just how many different parts of my body had actually been suffering!

I left the spa on an absolute cloud which is just what a good treatment should do for you, I can't recommend a pregnancy massage enough, if you have someone who could benefit this Christmas, they will definitely thank you!

You can contact the spa on 0131 220 1000

BumpH2t: The First Trimester

So if you caught my news the other week you will know I am in fact now pregnant again after a super rocky few years of trying. Thanks to everyone who called, messaged or commented on our posts, it really helped me feel more relaxed with putting that update out there and it brought some welcome excitement around the prospect so that was really lovely for both of us!

As I said in my last post, previous loss has not made this the most straight forward time but I still want to try and share my experiences with the first 3 months. I feel like sharing it like many other bloggers would naturally just do, will help me to appreciate those months more than I could at the time as they have been pretty fraught with anxiety.

We knew I was pregnant from SUPER early on, like legit this tiny thing must have been a few hours old, just enough to show up on a test and we knew about their presence. Got to admit that makes the first part of the journey feel pretttty long.  We decided we had no choice but to keep our cool in case it was a chemical pregnancy  or that it might be taken away from us much earlier this time. We just plodded along as normal and then at 5 weeks pregnant those super symptoms kicked in and It was a bit harder to ignore...

attempting to feel normal 10 weeks in for a day of visiting pals

First time round I didn't have any sickness but just an incredible level of exhaustion, a cold to the bones type feeling that was constant and I was actually very low and quite blue for a lot of it ( not uncommon in people who have been through fertility treatment). But I had no other real 'expected' pregnancy symptoms which I did find hard as I was looking for reassurance that something was happening!  This time however I had 24/7 extreme nausea,breasts growing like no ones business and that same extreme exhaustion as before. I didn't have that lingering blueness of before which was nicer but I was still determined to ignore the pregnancy as much as I could and just see where we got to. The never ending nausea definitely made that pretty tough and I actually wept a few times in hiding at work, over what you ask?? Simply that it was 4 o clock and I still hadn't managed to put a forkful of lunch in my mouth. That thought would genuinely bring me to tears as I knew I needed to eat something never mind drink something! Eventually I just had to figure out what I could actually have and unfortunately for my poor body (sorry IBS), that was milk, cold potatoes and cake/biscuits/any kind of energy. It was quite the overwhelming experience. This of course was just leading me to putting on weight in funny places which was difficult to reconcile with, of course I knew my body was doing as it was meant to, but like many pregnant woman I didn't feel myself anymore, and with no actual bump to show. I just felt a little alien really!

All the while Ally as you can imagine was a wonderful Florence Nightingale, but between my tears we would laugh, because as much as he felt awful for me there was the aspect of him that was thrilled that these were big obvious pregnancy signs that others experience. For him my inability to actually eat  was an odd comfort!  I was hell bent on not going in for an early scan as I just wanted to try and ignore my fears of being back in the hospital, but then I had  a large amount of pain around 8 weeks which coincided with my first midwife appointment and seeing as it had lasted a few days she was straight on the phone to get me booked in to check it all out. We saw the same tiny form of a baby that we had the first time around and once again heard that little heartbeat. It did feel good to know that so far something was legitimately in there, but that of course meant we had met them again and reminded me it was all real which was hard to keep the same distance from.

With our 12 week scan not booked in until I was at 13ish weeks the midwife kindly suggested we should go back again at 10 weeks, just to keep any eye on the changes and to break up the middle wait. Whenever I was in a panic about it all, Ally would just keep repeating to me what she had said at the scan, a "good baby with a healthy heartbeat", and do you know it was just the mantra to keep be plodding on between the visits. I was sure when we finally got to 12 weeks I would be able to accept it all and move on to the delighted stage but that was definitely not the case, and as I explained in my last post, I had come to terms with that side of things. The big 12 week scan was still really difficult to actually go to, as even though we had been in twice to the Early Pregnancy Unit, this one was back in the normal scanning clinic and actually even in the same room with the same person who had seen us way back in March. We battled through though ( there was an awful lot of tears) and left with a little image of the 'good baby, healthy heartbeat' that we had been rooting for for 3 months. 

keeping up the adventure whilst heaving at the thought of enjoying fish, chips and ice cream at the seaside!

I did have to do a LOT of jumping about and lunges to actually get the baby seen properly which was no fun, especially sinking all the liquids needed considering how sick I felt. We still couldn't have their chromosomal measurement check that is usually done  at 12 weeks and as it was chromosomes which was brought our pregnancy to an end before, we were upset to leave without some peace of mind on that front. Waiting another 5 weeks for blood tests to check was pretty difficult but once again it was about keeping our heads down and getting on with it.  My exhaustion and Nausea stayed with me full force until 15/16ish weeks  and other that that, sore boobs, some serious short temperedness ( sorry everyone along the way!)  some crazy dreams stopping my sleeping, a huge amount of bloating, and the fear of never being able to poo again....were the most obvious signs anything was going on. Looking back I didn't realise just how many signs there were!

I was glad to set into the next trimester and see what it had in store for me, the first certainly taught me a lot about my limits and just taking it easy, and the restorative power of cold potatoes of course. I'll be updating on my next weeks shortly, feels like now people know I have lots to catch everyone up on!

BumpH2t: The First Trimester

So if you caught my news the other week you will know I am in fact now pregnant again after a super rocky few years of trying. Thanks to everyone who called, messaged or commented on our posts, it really helped me feel more relaxed with putting that update out there and it brought some welcome excitement around the prospect so that was really lovely for both of us!