Thursday 5 September 2019

A first trimester update

I have been so quiet on here, on social media, and to be honest in real life too. Going back to work full time and navigating Arthur’s toddlerdom has been super hectic and juggling it all has not been easy. When you throw in this latest news and the crippling exhaustion and nausea that goes with it, will then you can imagine I have managed very little. Ally and I are cautiously optimistic to be having another baby in January next year and  If you have been on these pages for a while you will know our history with infertility, IVF and miscarriage makes pregnancy a hard journey. It is difficult to trust the process and it can be hard for others around you to understand your approach to it, so we have been keeping our heads down and trying to survive as best we can as we waited for some reassurance that things were as they should be.

We were shocked enough to even be in this situation again. We were never sure if we would be lucky enough to get to try again or if we were going to go back into the IVF world, so to even be at this stage is a huge moment for us that we are still getting our heads around. I think I have always been a bit wary of being pregnant again, not just because of all the general fear about miscarriage and everything that comes with that, but because I have always had this lingering feeling  of how you survive caring for one (or  more) children while being pregnant.  It has always struck me that no one really pays much attention to mothers not on their first pregnancy, like somehow the 'specialness' of the moment is not quite as magic this time around,  and they just get on and struggle through with an even bigger workload than before. Not true in all situations of course but just a general impression I have gotten from watching it happen across the years and I was a little hesitant as I entered into it myself. There is a lot to get my head around going back into this, how it feels to go back off work when I just settled back? How to do another maternity year when perhaps the first one wasn’t for me? What is going to happen to my body in the long run after another baby? How on earth do I manage two of them??

None of this takes away of course from how unbelievably lucky we feel currently to be back in this situation but these are real questions that come to my mind no matter how much we wanted to grow our family, and with the general approach of ‘ they know what they are doing now’ it does feel a little under discussed.

However,  as always those still wishing to have a child are the first in my thoughts as I post this. There are so many layers of infertility and how it stays with you through life. I know I am not alone to have been lucky enough to get to have a child but had their thoughts very quickly went to ‘if there could be another’. That  sounds selfish to those without a first, but you can’t help  but be trapped in that cycle and I guess just like everyone else, those of us who have struggled are still allowed to wish for what they want too

The first trimester has been a blur of extreme exhaustion and permanent intense nausea which has, as expected, been really difficult while trying to be present for Arthur.  Ally has been an unreal support, picking up even more of the slack than he usually does to keep us all afloat. I am  22 weeks  now and I am able to eat more than plain carbs ( by the truckload) but still feeling incredibly tired and incapable of getting much done which is hard when there is still a lot to juggle. Fingers crossed I see that promised second trimester burst of energy sometime soon…..!!

So that has been life lately and once again the blog has taken its usual back seat as life goes on around it. I will be back with updates but mostly over on Instagram again as I attempt to keep up with Arthurs admirable yet insane energy. Welcoming all good thoughts and encouragement that this one is here to join us in January, now to train Arthur to not throw EVERYTHING small and within reach…

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