Infertility and Me: An Update

I have been simply blown away and so encouraged by the absolutely huge response to my infertility week of posts. The kindness, understanding and vulnerability of so many people really took me aback and made me feel that sharing our journey was absolutely the right thing to do. Publishing them has shown me just how many people have been affected by, are currently suffering or just want to know more to help friends and family, so I know it won't end here for me trying to raise more awareness and keeping that conversation open.

There is one update on our story and one I have held off from sharing yet for so many reasons…. I am currently pregnant….But for every person who will squeal at that news, there will be others that feel pain and I completely understand that. It's exactly the reason I sat on this update so as to give the issues of fertility and miscarriage the platform and focus they deserve in their own right, for every story that might have a happier ending, there are plenty of others that don't. Those people deserve to be seen and allowed time to feel what they need to, and I am incredibly conscious of that. I have been there, watching numerous announcements, and feeling so over the moon for those involved but not being able to ignore the other emotion that the news then brings for you. So I get it, I was almost afraid to put this out there as I know that for me this was just pure luck and that doesn't help others who wish there was something more concrete that could help them. Infertility affects people for so many reasons and there are often little answers that can help which is what makes it so hard.

me feeling very sorry for myself being forced to tank a lot of liquid and coffee before a scan

So how did it all happen? The 4 weeks between our first and second IVF cycle my stubborn streak really kicked in. I knew no-one at the clinic could take the time to help monitor whether coming off my system suppressing medication, my increased weight, and the reset my body had taken following the miscarriage would mean that some hormones were beginning to work. So I decided “I'll do it”! So as my post-IVF mega period started to wane I amazon primed myself a basal body temperature thermometer. Your temperature (along with other factors) is actually a fascinating insight into how your cycle works and I wish I had bothered to learn more about it, and what each stage means, much earlier in life. I downloaded the free app fertility friend and started charting my temperatures daily along with taking Ovulation tests as a back-up. All of this was in the hope that finally my body was experiencing fertile days, the elusive beast that they are to someone like me! Honestly at this point knowing others get pregnant without having to think about it totally fascinates me; it's such a complicated piece of science, I have so much respect for it now.

It was my first time doing ‘temping’ and I had no idea if it worked but I knew I would be so mad if I suddenly had a natural period before our next IVF cycle kicked off.  A period of course means the chance to make a baby and for someone who has had amenorrhea  the idea of having the chance to try is so exciting. Baby making without a lab full of people?? It was a novel prospect for both of us! And what do you know, my hunch was right and I was showing real signs I was about to ovulate. It was go-time for Ally and that prizewinning sample of his, to work their magic. And against all the odds it actually worked…

I'll do a post on where I am and what all I have experienced in these first months very soon, but for now the other reason for keeping it low key aside from giving those important issues respect and those suffering a chance to talk,  is that being pregnant after miscarriage or a missed miscarriage is sometimes incredibly hard. No matter how wonderfully grateful you are for this life, the recurring grief, fear and anxiety about being back in this position can be very difficult to deal with.

Ally focusing on trying to find the hearbeat

This time round I have lost that initial bubble that some people enter into, where you want all the bump photos and excitedly map every day’s progress for the baby. Instead for me it's taken time to accept that we might make it to the end and I had been pretty aloof with this wee one until now. Last pregnancy I could have told you pretty much how many minutes pregnant I was alongside of course which fruit they were sizes with. This time however I have been working out how far I can go without having to tell people seeing as I fear them questioning my reserved manner about it all. Lucky for us both, Ally has been making sure baby knows we are there for them by lying face down on my stomach shouting nightly Chicago Bulls updates at them, what an informed baby!

Still tickled every time he can manage to find it! 

Ally and I had been discussing the PTSD like effects that have come up since being pregnant again and it was interesting to see that actually discussed in the news the other week. There are various elements that I have found very hard, and continue to do so, regardless of being pregnant myself scan images for pregnancy announcements that catch me by surprise are still an issue. I still sadly struggle to look at my own scans which is something I am working on,  but whenever a new one crops up it sends me in a bit of an unexpected spin. Actually going for scans themselves are a horrendous experience now and I didn’t even realise I would find it as hard as I do. Even people knowing I am pregnant (which until now has been a very tiny group of people) is tough as you just feel you are waiting to let them down if it doesn’t work out. These are just little examples of the things some women post baby loss go through but it rarely seems discussed which made it feel more important to put it out there.

 I know these feelings are difficult for people to understand but that won’t change if it is not spoken about more, so here I am to harp on about it! I relate it a bit to when a person survives a very hard or difficult disease, there is an expectation that every day on from survival should be joyful and a blessing. Of course in reality that is not always the case no matter how thankful they are. I feel the same to be pregnant, so very thankful but that doesn’t just make everything magically ok either. I have spent a few weeks working on my feelings with it all and I am feeling more positive as we go, I definitely feel a lot more at peace with how I am coping now.  Earlier on I just felt guilty and overwhelmed with the pressure to be in LOVE with being pregnant again, chastising myself for missing ‘the experience’ ( whatever that in itself is meant to mean) or not then giving others this experience as they would like it. But actually just accepting that this is what this pregnancy is for me, and that it might stay that way or it might not, that’s ok too.

I am so conscious that for me this has happened when we least expected it, but that is just luck and the awareness that this doesn’t happen for everyone is so important to me. I worry anyone will question would I have shared the extent of our experience thus far if I hadn’t happened to be pregnant? And I can understand why. It is a question I had thought about myself and it felt right to touch on it. I had written my posts back when I had just come out of IVF treatment and I had no idea what the future held for us.  The posts were not written at a time where things were in a better place and a happier ending was possibly on the cards. I had started writing with the full decision that once we had come through our final cycle and I finally had a bit of closure on at least the physical treatment, regardless of the outcome, that I would be sharing them with people. After my last IVF cycle we were suddenly given the space to be free of medication and focus on just telling that story and for us, being pregnant currently doesn't erase our previous experience. We feel as strongly now about raising awareness as we did before and the response and kindness people have shown me has really encouraged me with that.

us trying to relax while waiting on the 20 week scan

So there you go, I am almost 23 weeks at this stage and I have so many emotions going around.  I am happy to be enjoying the experience a bit more as I manage the anxiety that goes with it but getting the 20 week scan out of the way was a big part of me moving towards that and if it doesn’t improve much more, I will just learnt to further manage that too. I worry this will read like a damp squib as technically it is (so far) the news that I know so many wished for us. And we are definitely hopeful for that now too and are truly overjoyed at what lies ahead but seeing as I didn't sugar coat the experience so far, I can’t hide the aspects that continue to be hard and I am pretty sure I won’t be alone in that experience. 

For now though it's time to just enjoy the happy responses and congratulations,to stop breathing in and actually rock this very late developing bump that has appeared. I guess this story isn't over just yet...

Infertility and Me: An Update

I have been simply blown away and so encouraged by the absolutely huge response to my infertility week of posts. The kindness, understanding and vulnerability of so many people really took me aback and made me feel that sharing our journey was absolutely the right thing to do. Publishing them has shown me just how many people have been affected by, are currently suffering or just want to know more to help friends and family, so I know it won't end here for me trying to raise more awareness and keeping that conversation open.

Infertility and Me: Part Five

Click to read part 1,2,3 and 4.

It has been so cathartic to get our story out there over this past week. After such a long time trying to muddle through and keep some form of normal life happening, it is definitely good to just lay it all on a plate and put it out there. I wanted to say a huge thank you for all the comments and messages I have been sent. By letting me share the story so far and open up this conversation about fertility, miscarriage and everything that goes with it, you have really given me a bit of myself back which is something I didn't expect to gain. I didn’t want my posts to seem like a big woe is me self-indulgent ramble, but instead serve as a bit of behind the scenes of the complexity and highs and lows that infertility can bring and I hope I have achieved that. Honestly the bravery I have seen from others sharing their stories with me has been so inspiring, and alongside all the wonderful messages of support, it really has made this whole blog series feel worthwhile, so thank you.

 It is not over yet for us and we still have a way to go but I will be updating on the journey soon. I thought to end the week I would just finish these posts up with some links to infertility and miscarriage support pages for anyone else who find themselves landing on these pages looking for information and are not sure where to turn. All of this can be such a devastatingly lonely time, so I want you to know you are not alone.

Fertility Network UK http://fertilitynetworkuk.org/

NHS Funding in Scotland http://fertilitynetworkuk.org/for-those-trying-to-become-parents/nhs-funding/nhs-funding-scotland/

IUI treatment information http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Artificial-insemination/Pages/Introduction.aspx

IVF treatment information http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/IVF/Pages/Availability.aspx

Miscarriage association https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/

Tommys Miscarriage charity https://www.tommys.org/

And I had to pop up a little glossary for anyone undertaking this journey; the internet is a total friend and foe in this situation. I kept my distance quite a bit from it, aside from some lovely TTC pals on Instagram, but there are loads of words it would be easier to know what they mean when reading the many forums.

TTC- trying to conceive

PCOS- Polycystic ovary syndrome

2 WW - two week wait

AF- Aunt Flo- Period

AI - Artificial Insemination

ART - Assisted Reproductive Technology

BBT - Basal Body Temperature

BBs – yer boobs!

BD - Baby Dance (intercourse)

BFN - Big Fat Negative (Neg Pregnancy Test)

BFP - Big Fat Positive! (Positive Pregnancy Test

CD - Cycle Day

CF - Cervical Fluid

CM - Cervical Mucus

ENDO – Endometriosis

ET - Embryo Transfer

EPT - Early Pregnancy Test

FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer

HPT - Home Pregnancy Test

ICI - Intra-cervical Insemination

ICSI - Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection

IVF - InVitro Fertilization

LP - Luteal Phase

LSP - Low Sperm Count

MC,m/c – Miscarriage

MF – MaleFactor ( sperm issues)

O - Ovulation, Ovulated

OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit

OPT - Ovulation Predictor Test

PG – Pregnant

POAS - Pee on a stick (Home Pregnancy Test)

SA - Semen Analysis

TWW - Two week wait (also 2WW)

WTF- the apt you have after any treatment is not working or all goes wrong!

That might read like nothing to anyone but I can now fully type and speak in this shorthand, What a strange thing to carry with me following all these treatments!

I truly hope that something in my week of posts is a help to someone out there. I look back at my story so far and just feel sorry for me and Ally in some ways, I hate the idea of anyone else sitting with that pretty unavoidable struggle and feeling of loneliness.

Actually Ally is probably an ideal person to end the week on, without him (and Mairead who will just never have the choice to put with me or not , and the best manager in the world Dulcie) I honestly am not sure quite sure where I would be. The amount of support both emotional and physical at points he has provided has been phenomenal. We always talk about how I shouldn’t have to thank him for just doing what he believes a partner’s job is, but I do thank him. He goes above and beyond and at times as had to deal with elements of me that neither of us really knew existed. If there is one thing I can take away from it all, it is that we are pretty sure we can get through most things after this.

Thanks for reading this week, I really value your support.

I will be making a last push to get these stories out there today, to help reach the people who might need it or they may know someone who does. I would love it if you could tweet or post a link to the blog or one of the posts somewhere and help break that silence and allow other stories to be heard.

** Twitter, instagram , Email.**

Infertility and Me: Part Five

Click to read part 1,2,3 and 4.

It has been so cathartic to get our story out there over this past week. After such a long time trying to muddle through and keep some form of normal life happening, it is definitely good to just lay it all on a plate and put it out there. I wanted to say a huge thank you for all the comments and messages I have been sent. By letting me share the story so far and open up this conversation about fertility, miscarriage and everything that goes with it, you have really given me a bit of myself back which is something I didn't expect to gain. I didn’t want my posts to seem like a big woe is me self-indulgent ramble, but instead serve as a bit of behind the scenes of the complexity and highs and lows that infertility can bring and I hope I have achieved that. Honestly the bravery I have seen from others sharing their stories with me has been so inspiring, and alongside all the wonderful messages of support, it really has made this whole blog series feel worthwhile, so thank you.

 It is not over yet for us and we still have a way to go but I will be updating on the journey soon. I thought to end the week I would just finish these posts up with some links to infertility and miscarriage support pages for anyone else who find themselves landing on these pages looking for information and are not sure where to turn. All of this can be such a devastatingly lonely time, so I want you to know you are not alone.

Infertility and Me: Part Four

click to catch up on Part One, Two and Three

Following our missed miscarriage at 12 and a half weeks .We thought that there would be a bit of a waiting time for us to get started on our IVFtreatment. We knew we had been at the top of the waiting list as our scheduled appointment to start had actually come round just before our first pregnancy scan. But seeing as we had already served our waiting list time luckily that meant we didn’t have to wait at all.Looking back I’m not sure whether this was a good or bad thing. There wasn’t long to dwell on losing the baby, but I’m still not sure if my body was physically ready.

However we had come this far and we didn’t take too much time to hum and haw and just decided to go for it. Funnily enough our IVF treatment then started on a morning that we were already signed up to be attending an IVF conference held in Glasgow. All through the IUI treatments we just thought it would work and that we wouldn’t find ourselves in this position, so we naively just hadn’t given the process much thought. It was a surreal morning listening to specialist after specialist, and we felt overwhelmed with some of the options that might lie ahead for us, but I am so glad we had gone just to get a proper overview before it kicked off. I was out of the conference and back in the hospital waiting room within an hour just waiting to pick up my injections to start that day. It had only been 5 weeks since my operation post baby and I didn’t click that it had been such a small amount of time. It was a proper whirl-wind but we were so excited and hopeful to try and get back on track that I never really took it all in. It is funny in the infertility cycle you can get a bit lost in tunnel vision of the situation and sometimes you don’t take a moment to work out how you might feel or what might be best for you.

As I have said before getting the drug doses right for IUI treatment is a bit of a minefield. You are trying to encourage the body to create follicles in order for an egg to be released by taking a special injection. But if you have more than a few follicles of a certain size the IUI treatment is cancelled as they can’t risk multiple eggs being released and creating multiple pregnancies which are technically riskier.

With IVF on the other hand it was a new challenge. This time they are looking for you to make lots of follicles as you want to produce as many eggs for harvesting (that phrase… shudder) as you can as these are then used to fertilise/ and or for freezing for later use. However you need to balance it right as you don’t want the body to over produce follicles which is a risk that can make people really unwell (OHSS). As  I had a high ovarian reserve  this was something I was at risk off, so it is a real balancing act to contend with. The ideal situation is to respond well and have a nice group of healthy eggs removed and a good number making it past day 5 in the lab ( this is when they become blastocysts) and then any not placed back in the womb are frozen. For one cycle of IVF you have that initial collection and then if any are frozen and the first transfer fails, you can have those frozen embryos placed back later and that all just counts as one full IVF cycle. So essentially you can have a few goes in just one cycle if your collection goes well.

Ally sitting waiting before I get wheeled off for egg collection

 I responded to the meds as expected, especially as for this round I was given 3 times the dose I had been having previously so before I knew it, my big bloated and swollen body was booked in to have the eggs collected. It really was quite surreal to be at this point so quickly but we felt positive and had no reason not to. I was back on a theatre table waiting for the anaesthetic to kick in but this time it was hopefully for a happier reason than a few weeks back.  It didn’t go quite as expected however and it was crushing to come round from the procedure and have the lovely Dr tell us she had tried really hard but there were only two eggs in there. Essentially science only takes us so far and where there should be eggs, there wasn’t. I felt super disappointed and did blame myself for not taking a longer break from all the treatment, although they assured me it wouldn’t have changed anything. As everyone in fertility will always tell you, “it only takes one” but you don’t feel that way in those moments. Not at all. We only had 2 little eggs and my knowledge of drop-out rates etc meant I knew that was terrible news. We had an agonising 24 hour wait for the lab to call the next day and tell us if either had fertilized or had then survived overnight in one piece.

I felt sick and deflated and suddenly the grief of everything was an incredibly intense wave that I just wasn’t expecting. I didn’t want to give up on the hope that the process could still work but it was so hard to feel anything positive towards what had happened. I was signed off work for the day to recover, and just sat waiting for my phone to ring, I swear I burned a hole in that thing just willing it to make a noise.  We got the call and luckily one of my eggs had been of use and had successfully fertilised overnight.  We were not in the clear though as you now have to will them to survive to day three when it would be placed back inside me. Ideally you want it placed back in the womb on day 5 which is when it has formed into a blastocyst, but when there is only 1 or 2 they don’t take that risk and place them back in early .I was booked in for the transfer and just told we had to wait it out. It was so hard, I was still trying to not give up on our one growing embryo (or embaby as they call it in the trying to conceive world!) but it was hard not to.

Getting excited as we head in for our IVF transfer

Once again, we were back in the hospital,  all gowned up with my leg in stirrups with what feels like a hundred eyes in the room with you, taking in all your spread eagled glory.  It was strange just how accustomed to it I had become to be honest! We got to see our little embryo and all its growing cells on a screen before it was popped back in, you literally see it shoot across the screen as it is delivered into the womb. The technology is fascinating! I felt like cheering as we watched it make its quick journey to where you hope it will get settled in.

But once again this is where science only takes you so far. After an embryo is transferred it is up to fate whether or not it chooses to implant, or then continues to stick once it has implanted. This was by far the worst two week wait of them all, we had been here SO many times now, I was truly fed up. As always I found I spent the first 4 days on a little high as the possibility of it working is there, but something about the passing of time would always then have me doubting and questioning if we were destined for a different life (something we have explored various times).

Sadly It was not to be for us this time, and the arrival of bleeding summoned the end of the hope that the little embryo had chosen to stay with us. And we both hurt so much; you couldn’t help it as we were rooting for that one surviving little ball of cells so badly.

The Doctors explained that they were also disappointed with how it had gone and admitted they were probably a bit shy with the drugs on this occasion and clearly they needed upped next time. But for now it was difficult to imagine undertaking our last NHS chance to make it work. That pressure of knowing you have a set number of attempts (no matter how lucky I feel to have those attempts) is really crushing. And we knew we needed to decide if we wanted a break to try and recover or to just push on to what felt like the end to a pretty horrendous chapter. There is so much to consider on the infertility journey and we just didn’t think we would end up where we had done.

**To be continued tomorrow. if you have been here yourself or know anyone who has that wants to chat then feel free to pass this on or get in touch on Twitter, instagram or Email.**

Infertility and Me: Part Four

click to catch up on Part One, Two and Three

Following our missed miscarriage at 12 and a half weeks .We thought that there would be a bit of a waiting time for us to get started on our IVF treatment. We knew we had been at the top of the waiting list as our scheduled appointment to start had actually come round just before our first pregnancy scan. But seeing as we had already served our waiting list time luckily that meant we didn’t have to wait at all.Looking back I’m not sure whether this was a good or bad thing. There wasn’t long to dwell on losing the baby, but I’m still not sure if my body was physically ready.

However we had come this far and we didn’t take too much time to hum and haw and just decided to go for it. Funnily enough our IVF treatment then started on a morning that we were already signed up to be attending an IVF conference held in Glasgow. All through the IUI treatments we just thought it would work and that we wouldn’t find ourselves in this position, so we naively just hadn’t given the process much thought. It was a surreal morning listening to specialist after specialist, and we felt overwhelmed with some of the options that might lie ahead for us, but I am so glad we had gone just to get a proper overview before it kicked off. I was out of the conference and back in the hospital waiting room within an hour just waiting to pick up my injections to start that day. It had only been 5 weeks since my operation post baby and I didn’t click that it had been such a small amount of time. It was a proper whirl-wind but we were so excited and hopeful to try and get back on track that I never really took it all in. It is funny in the infertility cycle you can get a bit lost in tunnel vision of the situation and sometimes you don’t take a moment to work out how you might feel or what might be best for you.

Infertility and Me: Part Three

If you have missed part 1 and part 2 of my fertility posts you can catch up HERE and HERE.

us  pre procedure at the giant nappy pin monument we always visit- pure superstition!

 I left off yesterday summing up our 6^th (yes 6^th!) go at the IUIprocedure and against the odds, this one ‘took’ and I ended the dreaded 2 week wait on happy news. It was a wonderful surprise, we were nervous and thrilled and exhausted. After the huge crazy rollercoaster the last 2 years had turned out to be we were just so happy to finally feel a bit more normal. I got to come off most of my drugs and we didn’t have to go to the hospital ALL THE TIME anymore which felt amazing. We couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant.

us at the clinic excited to be heading in to meet baby at our first scan

We had our 8 week scan to check all was going ok. You usually wouldn’t have an early scan but following fertility treatment you have what they call a ‘viabilty’ scan to check there really is a baby growing in there and that all looks ok. We hadn’t given it much thought before we went but luckily all looked amazing and we even got to hear the heartbeat which was so lovely after what we had come through. It all suddenly felt more real and we were looking forward to allowing ourselves to really enjoy the new adventure. We were seeing my family a couple of days before our next scan at 12ish weeks and we had wanted to get to tell them in person and it was great to celebrate together. 

Fast forward a few incredibly tired weeks and we were finally heading into our 12 week scan and I was so unbelievably nervous that morning. I had tried to ignore any bad feelings that I had been having as we had been told so many times after our early scan that things should be absolutely fine. But they weren’t. And it was the worst morning of my life.

I was lying on the hospital bed with Ally excitedly holding my hand staring at a big screen, looking at the little bean that should have been bigger than it was. I won’t go into details as there was a lot about that morning and our care that makes me mad but the long story short was, we had won one lottery with our IUI working, but lost another with the baby having died between those scans. It really was the most hollowing moment I could ever imagine. And as the weekend progressed (it was Mother’s day the next day….), and the news kicked in, it just all caught up with me. The idea of having to decide how to remove baby; how to tell people; how to face the next big fertility treatment hurdles that we thought we had gotten to leave behind for now. It really was all too much.

finding little spots of solace across the city in the weeks after

It was miserable, lonely, overwhelming and just hard to believe. I can distinctly remember lying curled into Ally on the couch that we hadn’t moved from all of that terrible day, and just wailing at him to make it all be different. A fruitless cry for something he couldn’t do and no one could, but all logic just went out the window. I just didn’t want to face any of it.

But you just keep going, you have no choice. I decided to have the operation to remove baby and it all became so clinical from here on in, and it was as horrible as you can imagine it would be. Never mind that you have to wait to get to have said operation and that is a pretty tough week knowing that what was meant to be growing in there just wasn’t any more.

People might wonder why bother talking about it all now, or why share all this at all. But I have always felt like I wanted to talk about it when I felt ready. The issues surrounding fertility and/or miscarriage are ones that so few people talk about it. I would love to know that one day any of this week’s ramblings might help someone else going through it, help them feel less alone or at least open up that conversation that can be so hard to have. I think to begin with, right back at the start that I felt angry or ashamed at my fertility issues and then you just end up consumed in this machine that you are struggling to understand and keep up with, so you just plod along and try and keep your head above the water. But now I am not ashamed of either, the miscarriage and the problems we have had are not something I want to hide. They have shaped who we are now, and what the last couple of years have been and having it all out in the open here feels much more honest.

continuing to visit our happy places while taking some time out for ourselves

The issue for us at this stage was having to get our heads around the idea that we had to give in and move on to the IVF stage of treatment which had always felt so far away and a bit of a last resort, but it was time to jump in.

We had argued for being allowed to test the baby after my operation and we found out just before starting our IVF that we had been having a girl and she had a chromosomal disorder called Turners Syndrome. That meant she had a 1% chance of making it as far as birth and then very little chance after that. It was such difficult news to have to hear, knowing the sex made it both harder and easier at the same time. We definitely found comfort in knowing what had caused the miscarriage to happen as they often say it is either ‘the seed or the soil’, and in that instance it had been the seed. Having that information was good for us going into IVF as if it had been 'the soil' we would have needed to wait longer to attempt to investigate it. I am so glad we fought for more information on what had happened, but I know it can’t always be done (they usually only will test after three miscarriages), But it did bring us some feelings of closure in time for the next big stage .

**To be continued tomorrow. if you have been here yourself or know anyone who has that wants to chat then feel free to pass this on or get in touch on Twitter, instagram or Email.**

Infertility and Me: Part Three

If you have missed part 1 and part 2 of my fertility posts you can catch up HERE and HERE.

us  pre procedure at the giant nappy pin monument we always visit- pure superstition!

 I left off yesterday summing up our 6^th (yes 6^th!) go at the IUI procedure and against the odds, this one ‘took’ and I ended the dreaded 2 week wait on happy news. It was a wonderful surprise, we were nervous and thrilled and exhausted. After the huge crazy rollercoaster the last 2 years had turned out to be we were just so happy to finally feel a bit more normal. I got to come off most of my drugs and we didn’t have to go to the hospital ALL THE TIME anymore which felt amazing. We couldn’t believe I was actually pregnant.

Infertility and Me: Part Two

If you missed part one of my fertility journey you can find it here.

So after a year or so of tests and waiting for appointments we were finally underway to start our IUI drugs. Of course at this point I still assumed that once we were at this stage it would all just click into place.

The IUI procedure due to my circumstances involved taking a nasal spray at 4 very specific times a day to suppress my hormonal system to allow me to inject other hormone doses set by the Dr’s. These injections would then force my body into performing a timed cycle exactly when they wanted it to. It turns out however this is no mean feat to get right. We had 3 tough attempts at getting this to work which was such a frustrating and tiring time, never mind a complete Goldilocks situation. First the drugs were too low, so my body was responding too slowly, then it started to work but the lab had to close (!) and then I responded too quickly and they missed the window to do the full treatment. It was woeful if I am honest. It is heart breaking when they look up at you ( pretty much while still actually INSIDE YOUwith the blimming camera on  a very large…wand like scope) and say I am sorry I think they might cancel and start again….ARGH.

Feeling super excited after finally getting as far as our first full IUI

In among all those drugs I was up at 6am 4 or so times a week to get to the clinic to then wait while they over ran by about 40 mins even when first thing in the morning ( it is such an oversubscribed place, not the nurses fault). Once in, I then I had the joys of having that big camera wand put inside me to monitor how my follicles in my ovaries were reacting, followed up by taking more blood from me than I knew possible! It was hard not to dread visiting every second day and generally becoming consumed by the whole process. Taking a nasal spray 4 times a day might sound harmless but with having to be up super early to fit in dose 1, while staying awake for the 11 pm dose 4, while getting used to a phone alarm going off 4 times a day to remind you about each of those doses- in all it was a total pain in the arse.

IUI is a tricky procedure that is so hard to pinpoint getting it right and I was lucky they let me continue on to the cycle that finally got the timings and dosage correct to allow us to have our first proper procedure.  Lucky Ally finally got to make sweet love to a sample pot in a room with crap porn in it and then hours later they insert that sample into me. This was more painful than I knew it would be, never mind a delightfully awkward procedure. ( I should add here for any other potential IUI patients it is not always painful as I found out, it depends on various circumstances)  After all the less than romantic fun was over, I was then back on the bus home and getting the 2 week wait underway. Even getting the bus home you can’t help but laugh, you are sitting all contorted trying not to draw attention to yourself but sitting thinking “DON’T LET THE SPERM FALL OUT” which of course, it can’t, but it doesn’t stop you acting like a loon.

You are also packed off with these delightful pessaries which confine you to the house before work and after, to allow them to kick in. These of course then bring  hormonal side effects…. And these side effects mimic…. Pregnancy!!! Yup there could be no crueler thing than spending 2 excruciating weeks to see if you are pregnant, while your body tries to persuade you that you definitely are…..

And in the end you are most definitely not.

Of course you find this out with the arrival of an almighty period that after a few years without- is a real beast. Accepting these failures has been so much harder than I thought- no matter how balanced you try to feel about it, after so many failed attempts it was still easier to get carried away and think we were about to be parents.

another day another set of injections

At this point running along-side all these fertility woes, I had been lost in a world of selling and buying the house which brought so much stress that I then blamed myself for all the failed attempts. Our first proper completed IUI cycle fell just after we had moved to Motherwell to stay in my lovely cousin’s house, while our new house was completely renovated. Once settled out there I was sure I could finally take it easy and focus but that's when the true madness started and the renovations were there to coordinate daily. Getting to the hospital that early from out there was even harder, and of course sleep is something they are determined for you to get a lot of to help your body produce good follicles. In all it felt like a bit of a disaster and I was failing at everything.

I continued on all the drugs for another cycle (our 5^th by this point) and by now they were really dragging me down. The nasal spray mimics menopause symptoms including general depression and cumulatively I could definitely start to see that kicking in. With the house pressure and not really being able to speak to anyone bar Mairead and Ally, I just felt overwhelmed and very bleak about it all. I had tried to stay super positive but there were points where I didn't want to do it any more for sure. Not telling people had been our decision early on as we never expected it to come as far as it did, and there is such a big added pressure of people waiting to see if it was working. But that of course then really adds to this overwhelming loneliness that infertility can bring.

me looking pained after so many injections

We soldiered on however and kicked off with yet another attempt. We had the drug dosage down to a finer art by now and my body responded in the same time frame as the last full cycle, still not as fast as they wanted but we got there. The roller coaster continued the same, all the drugs, all the hospital visits, the poking and prodding and then the awkward procedure and boom we were back in that sodding 2 week wait. The house was coming to a climax also and it was a nightmare. I was desperately trying to be calm, hiding myself away at work in my lunch hour lying in a disabled toilet trying to get as much quiet time as possible, while ally spent hours every night at the house trying to field as many of the problems as he could so I wouldn't need to go and deal with it in the flesh. And even in all that madness I was still trying to be positive, but it once again wasn’t to be- it had failed. And this time it was so much harder to cope with. All the hormones had reached a mad point and I spent a week feeling more down than I knew I could feel. I just couldn’t be bothered with anything anymore.

 It was a dark surprise to both of us and Ally was pretty sure we needed to take a break so I could come off of the drugs and be able to feel normal again for a bit. But I was determined to press on as taking a break from the drugs would mean a few months of setback to get my system back under control and just wanted to get this one last go we were entitled too, over with.

Determined to find our Christmas cheer among it all

This was the second week into December and it was a really difficult time. With Christmas to try and get into, and our actual first move in date to get completed, it was a tough few weeks! I felt less than festive, the house was a total mess (albeit a finished one- again shout out to Ally who spent millions of hours there on his own trying to do a full builders clean before I saw the place and freaked out!!). Seeing all the family and pals felt hard when I felt less than keen on anything but then we finally got to move into our house the week before Christmas, and we even managed to have a Saturday night with all our friends over. It was just what we needed- normalcy and something I had so missed doing with everyone. We survived Christmas with no complete meltdown just me feeling exceptionally tired. The hospital set the date to head back in and get started on our last set of drugs- Hogmanay.  It was so weird sitting in the clinic once again seeing as we actually spent the last Hogmanay there too. Not the happiest of New Years on that ward to be found and another night of not being allowed a drink- Man I had missed a wee glass of red!!

We kicked off on drugs again from there, and as per usual I did the usual dance of invasive internal checks, blood tests and prodding. But this time the old body took everyone by surprise and they worked much quicker. Instead of 16ish days of injecting hormones, after only about 8 days they turned around said it was almost time to book time off work to have the procedure done again! Music to my ears.

 Ally duly headed in once again for his awkward session in the romance room...we donned our surgical gowns and Ally was delighted when this time the lab team actually verbally congratulated him on his ‘very good sample’, I have never seen the man so proud…

**To be continued tomorrow. if you have been here yourself or know anyone who has that wants to chat then feel free to pass this on or get in touch on Twitter, instagram or Email.**

Infertility and Me: Part Two

If you missed part one of my fertility journey you can find it here.

So after a year or so of tests and waiting for appointments we were finally underway to start our IUI drugs. Of course at this point I still assumed that once we were at this stage it would all just click into place.

The IUI procedure due to my circumstances involved taking a nasal spray at 4 very specific times a day to suppress my hormonal system to allow me to inject other hormone doses set by the Dr’s. These injections would then force my body into performing a timed cycle exactly when they wanted it to. It turns out however this is no mean feat to get right. We had 3 tough attempts at getting this to work which was such a frustrating and tiring time, never mind a complete Goldilocks situation. First the drugs were too low, so my body was responding too slowly, then it started to work but the lab had to close (!) and then I responded too quickly and they missed the window to do the full treatment. It was woeful if I am honest. It is heart breaking when they look up at you ( pretty much while still actually INSIDE YOU with the blimming camera on  a very large…wand like scope) and say I am sorry I think they might cancel and start again….ARGH.

Infertility and Me: Part One

Where do you start telling people life hasn’t been too swell for the last couple of years? That you didn't want to push anyone away but that keeping your head down and getting on with it felt like the only way to survive? Well I am going to give it a bit of a try, take off the filter and share a bit of #lifelately. We have done a lot of healing following a very rocky two or three years so I wanted to put it all down in the blog over the next week. Prepare for the rollercoaster that is.... infertility.

Quite a long time ago now (well over 3 years … come to think of it!) I decided to take a break from the contraceptive pill, but after 8 or so months I realised my periods were just not making the return I was expecting. It took a lot of appointments and referrals but eventually myself and Ally wound up facing the idea that if we wanted to have children that this was now a massive issue and we were referred to join the process of attempting “assisted conception”. It was a big shock, and a decision we were not necessarily planning on thinking about at that stage, but we had no choice given the length of the processes involved .So 2.5 years ago we found ourselves plonked in a waiting room at the conception unit at  Glasgow Royal with no idea what all was about to lie ahead….

So many elements of this process have been really difficult to navigate and deal with. A strong possibility on why my hormones were so damaged was me losing weight over the last few years, my body it would seem detested the changes and stopped performing non-essential functions which was super hard to take. I had no choice but to rest my body, give up my strength training and my daily walking to and from work, and take a huge rest and allow my weight to increase to attempt to balance the hormones needed. This was so tough and made me feel just not ‘myself’, I hated not getting to do the exercise I loved and resented my body shape slowly changing but I knew I had little choice. It is pretty horrific to have people constantly staring at your middle and speculating if you are actually pregnant due to your weight…. Urgh just thinking about it is pretty painful as the added kick is the drugs that you take in fertility bloat you up like no-ones business, which produces a delightful baby like shape! The weight, as expected, has gone straight to my lower abdomen which it turns out the body does to protect the reproductive organs which I guess in some way is at least fascinating, but it has been tough not knowing for sure whether it will every fully repair. it can take years for Amenorrhea ( period loss)  to correct itself and we didn't have years to wait given the treatment waiting lists.

The other crappy side to it all has been the having to hide away and relax and avoid all stress when I’ve been in treatment phases. Some of the medication you have to take ties you to a bed for certain periods of time as it kicks in so you can’t really do much at night time or take it on the move (basically as it requires being actually ‘inserted’). You are also in the hospital for 7.30 4 times a week and trying to then race to work on time so it goes unnoticed. It is super stressful and really cuts you off from normal day to day life. More than once I had such excited pals and colleagues pull me aside at work to share the amazing and beautiful news that they were pregnant, such wonderful moments but so hard to carry on the day trying to hide your red face. Especially when I’ve just been told another round of treatment has failed that morning and are then straight into trying to do the proper ‘enthusiastic for babies’ performance my pals deserved.

Before kicking off with the initial process that is offered to patients through the NHS I had a fun 3 months of various fairly invasive ( and one  was actually super painful!) procedures to check there were  no other medical issues that would get in our way.In that time Ally had to also undergo a full sperm analysis which turned out more nerve wracking than we thought- although as he will proudly tell you, we needn’t have worried as he had a champion sample.

All other aspects being well we were offered the 3 cycles of stimulated (meaning with injections) IUI treatment  you are entitled to on the NHS before joining a longer IVF waiting list. We agreed and went ahead with very little support on what it all entails and boy were we in for a shock…

**To be continued tomorrow, if you have been here yourself or know anyone who has that wants to chat then feel free to pass this on or get in touch on Twitter, instagram or Email.**